my marriage

I dont' think I ever really loved a man, not like I loved my children, I would of easily given my life for them, but for a man nope,,, I was thinking of Donald my husband, and certain things I remember. I dhat I hated on sight. ont' think I ever got what I wanted in my marriage, except my two girls... and now when Im older I do't even have them. .I remember I emphatically told Donald I wanted a pearl for an engagement ring and he bought me this ugly diamond,, that I hated on sight. I should turned and ran away right them for that gave me a good insight into what my life with him was going to be like. He loved me, I think Donald loved me more than anything, but he wasn't aware of me. He didn't think of me or my happiness. He put me in a house that had the same lighting as his mothers, that took me years to figure out, we rented an apartment on the top floor on Summer st. and I loved it, sunshine all day, we din't stay there long, I think it was the rent, so he moved us on this street down by the bridge and it was gloomy and awful I hated it, but donald liked it , he rebuilt his motorcycle in the kitchen it was so ugly an apt.. I didn't care. besides he was neat and kept it to one side. then we bought our house , or rather went looking for a house and we saw one on riverside  with big windows and lots of sunshine and he wouldn't buy it he preferred the on e on Titcomb st. It was gloomy and old and wet and I hated it, he reshingled the outside and a new roof and ne windows . that I insisted on because they were so nice, then the inside was ugly. I hated it,,, I really hated it,,, no sunshine and it was spooky. I was glad when I left. after I left and saw him , before his motorcycle accident he told me he had fixed everything up in the house I wanted, it was to late by then but he apologized to me. He was sorry that he never listened to me and sorry that he never appreciated me and all the work I had done, so he could do what ever he wanted, I kept his life running smooth so his  home life was good. ... he never saw it until after I left and he had the girls when I joined the Navy. I do not know if I ever mentioned this to my girls, they are old enough to know but I left before they were born , I rented an apt. but went back because I was afraid to be alone,, I asked him to ask me to come back and he did, I was two to three months pregnant at the time , but didn't know it. So I ws kinda suck, then I got pregnant with kelly four years later and that made things harder. when we just had Danielle we did a lot of things,,, Don and my doc insisted I have my tubes tied he did not want anymore kids and when we divorced he had his tubes tied, I would of like one more,,,maybe a son but Danielle gave me the two boys and Kelly had Devin. , James is working hard straightening out his life and I have faith in Adam he will as well. he's just beginning to come out of his drug induced fog. He seems to be in a shell or fog he has this barrier up in his head... I saw the same thing in Kelly, I know I had this wall up as well , it felt like this wall this block,,, this dark block that I couldn't see beyond,,,I couldn't read people , but brought  it down by reading all the time. Then when I went to Dr. Wulbert, she was the girl's child psychologist, in San Diego, somehow she did it, I really admired her, in all ways, helped me read others. Helped me see what was socially going on, maybe I had a touch of Aspergers, and didn't know it,,, it was not pretty what I saw, , I was pretty ignorant of it till then and have decided people are not nice people, but damn rotten especially men, what a bunch of dick heads they are and that is a mild term to use.

the perps

I ca't imagine what others have gone through the women who have been subjected to this through wall beatings, harassment, I had my arm slashed open by the Andersons, I don't know if it was father or son but it was donut of their upstairs window and I was pulsed down my stairs slashing open my upper right arm on my carriage I was using to carry groceries, or my snapped ankle as I was pulsed down the cellar stairs, or maiming Jake my akita,,,or hitting me so hard with dew I was fried.