My Darling Daughters

I have been thinking about my daughters,,,one decides the other follows,,,kelly always followed danielle, for danielle spoke for her for the first seven years of her life..kelly was and always has been Danielle's first child.  She took over immediately when I came home from hospital..

they both think I am a bad parent,,, I cannot understand why, I never beat them, never brought strange men in their lives to abuse them, fed them well, they fed the neighborhood with the groceries I bought, when I went to work.   we ate healthy good food. never prepackaged. or processed,,I always had a fresh bowl of fruit on my table.

I never dated,,once in a six month time frame and always they never knew about it.. Friday and Sat nights I worked,, the other nights I had free we spent at the computer arcade,,no one had games in their homes or computers or laptops,,no one I knew.  Just arcades with all kinds of games in them,my favorite was Tetras,,,Kelly I think was pacman and I do not know what Danielle's was.

I took them out for Sunday Brunch and they were well behaved, we really enjoyed sunday brunch at The Old Ox down the beach.. we ate there as much as I could afford two to three times a month or so.

I took a friend's kids one time,,Joa's and they were so misbehaved they had me in tears,,I never took them again.  The food was great and we loved it. 

We spent a lot of time at the beach,,we lived uphill from Mission Beach in Clairmont,, they roller skated in Balboa Park,,and we visited the zoo quite often.  This is what I see, this is what I remember, 

I saw a daughter who ran off with this 16 girl and they were going to drive to Georgia  , by the time I  found her several days later she was really glad to see me. Joy was on her face when I finally found her.. no I did not call the police,,I should have but did not,,I was just glad to find her,,her friend knew where she was and she would not tell me at first till I threatened her with the police, then she told me where she was, she was supposed to be at this girl's house and I cannot rmember all the details. Just enormous relief and I could not understand nor was she reasonable as to why she left. She was young 12,,Danielle always ran away,,I think in some ways it was an adventure for her.  I remember she went out the window with sheets one time, when I punished her. 

I think she and Kelly were used to being beaten by Kathy, the live in baby sitter  who lived with the father, not my sitter.

(who had 2 young girls as well, so she had 4 kids all at once and kelly told me she used to beat her,, with kelly one never knows the truth or not, she tells stories for various effects, she told Laura and Kristen, Bud's sister I abused her and in conversation, I told kristen other things of our life , so she knew that Kelly had made some of her woes up. I realized what happened when Kristen was totoally surpirsed at the things I described about our life,,Kelly agreed, not realizing she let the cat out of the bag.) 

my former husband had moved into his house.  

I agreed for him to take the kids,,,I had gotten fired from three jobs, never thought of welfare in total,, they more or less paid my rent. I did the rest. So we did not live wealthy that is for sure ,,it is always a constant grinding struggle when your poor, no wonder the poor steal and rob and are mean, their lives are mean.

So we divorced that was to haunt me in later years.   At that time their was no such thing as no fault divorce,, his friend who lived in georgetown and who had already divorced lost everything his wife took everything. I knew when I was going to divorce, I would not do that. I gave my husband two years to change, he ignored me as usual, so I left. who wants a life like that, I didn't. ,,I was unhappy,ignored, a babysitter, and a maid, sexual depository, Fuck him, he told me when I saw him on one of my trips back east that he really never knew how much work I did. He never ever appreciated me. To late for you and me, you should of appreciated me,,it took very little to make me happy and you, son of a bitch never made the effort. You lose and our kids lost and I did too..  

I asked for very little in my life,I had a small life and liked it, never millions for me.   A good book thrilled me more than anything money could buy. I asked for a few things I wanted and Donald ignored them, I got fed up. so I left,,We met  later after Kathy moved in and he told me all the things he had done I wanted,,to learn to dance so we were not the only couple at the table and I watched him get drunk,,so fun,, he opened the upstairs wall on the stairs, so it would be a part of the house instead of appearing as an attic, Our house was not new,  and I hated it from day one..He bought that house for him and it took me many years to figure out why he liked the house, it was gloomy just like his mothers house.. I realized much later it had the same light and that was comfortable for him,,,his mothers house was always gloomy and cold to me.  So it was his house. I left it to him he gave me 2000 to buy me out and I accepted it when we divorced. I left half of everything, and the bureaus, and took the kids beds for furniture leaving my living room rug and set I loved so much. He ruined it. 

Even  though the kids were given to him in the divorce because of those charges they came to live with me,,,this was only one promise I can remember he kept. He never contested me for them.  The divorce  was cruel and abusive treatment this is all the charges you could divorce with at the time,,,no fault came out later.  

I waited at the courthouse and I remember I had gotten their first , he told me to wait in the hall and not to enter the courtroom, my lawyer did,  from lawrence, someone I met and he did this as a favor,,some favor.. Donald asked me not to enter the court room because he would have to say terrible things about me and he knew I would object and he said the divorce would not go through. He wanted the divorce, his friend had told him over and over again that I would come back and screw him over if he did not divorce,,,I would take his beloved house from him,,

I never did. I would never of married again so it was moot to me.  So I stayed in the corridor and all these men sealed my fate for later years at the hands of other men, who investigated my history to see who I was.  CRUEL AND ABUSIVE TREATMENT.

I tried to enter a statement about this but he had died and the court said no, I could not.

I gave the kids to him after a few months,,I was stressed, my brother baby sat while I worked and I was not to sure about him,, with anything. Kelly got sick,,my night off and I was reading in my bed when I heard a gurgle , and it did not sound right to me so I got up and went in Kellys room and picked her up , no response and she was blue.